a lost sheep

I've given myself a month's time to solve my problem and half a month had already passed in a flash. Instead of getting more relieved or half-way through solving the problem, I've became more and more vexed than before. I'm now completely at a lost of what I should do. Really lost!

I've been trying real hard to solve the problem, not really solve, but to try to stop thinking about it in a month's time. I wanted to push it to the back of my mind and not think about it, yet I didn't manage to do so.

Yes, I've been thinking whether I should go for it instead of just pushing it back of my mind, but I don't dare to give it a try. I remember I used to tell myself and others, "Don't live with regrets"; but where's my courage now? Just a simple or easy step which I can just do and my problem will be solved, but I don't dare to go for it. Why?

Most probably I'll keep all these thoughts to myself and not share with anyone anymore. Those who knew about my problem, I think that's all you all are going to know. Maybe I'm not going to update you guys anymore. I'll just keep this to myself and only one will know although HE might not be able to supply me with the answers I want to know. At least I can confide in HIM as HE's willingly to listen to my long long speech, story etc.

As for consultation wise, I'll consult my colleague(s) will do. I'll ask in terms of a third person in a casual talk like that. Get their opinions and make my decision. (Only 2 colleagues know my problem, the others don't. Thus, will be asking them through a normal conversation with them so that they won't suspect anything.)

I'm really feeling tired. I don't know how long I can take it further. Maybe I'll seek for way(s) to relief myself. Try something which I've never done before. Of course, I won't let anyone know about it as that's going to give a bad impression. Well, say say only. Don't think will execute it. Haha~ As I said, I don't have the courage to do so. Dare to say, Don't dare to try/go for it. Haha~

Happy Teachers' Day!

Happy Teachers' Day to all the teachers who had or have not taught me before. Thank you for all your guidance which made me who I am today. Without you, I might not be able to make it today. A big THANK YOU to all teachers in the world.

Your love for us are unselfish. You've shown care and concern for all the students; unbias. We students can feel it. Though sometimes we might grumble all your nagging, but we know you are doing all these for our own good. You've never given up hope on us even if we are hopeless at times. Thank you for imparting all your knowledge to us and making us who we are today, besides our parents.

Went back to my secondary school today and found out that a lot of the teachers who taught us, the pioneer batch, had left. The teachers we know who are still in the school is getting lesser each year.

We spoke to Ms. Wong (form teacher during secondary 3 and 4) and found it a pleasure talking to her. As Shin Yee said, we don't feel stressful talking to her anymore. Instead, we really enjoyed the conversation. She's one of the teachers whom we'll never forget in our life. I'll always remember that she loves to say that there's no class spirit from our class. Haha~ There was once we wanted to prove our class spirit to her and so we put on a performance on one of the Teachers' Day celebration. Sad to say that she's on course on that day, so she didn't see our performance specially put up for her.

Maybe it's time to have a class gathering as we've lost contact with quite a lot of our classmates/friends. Then we can ask the teachers to join us too.

I wondered how's Ms. Tan Geok Choo (hope I spell correctly, sorry) doing now. Long time never see her already. Wondering if she can still remember us if were to ask her out. Heard that her health condition is not that good, really hope to see her again. Messaged Mr. Tang to wish him. Glad that he replied to my message.

(taken in the school hall)

what an unlucky day!

Yesterday was such an unlucky day for me. Wondering if is Monday blue or is it really that no luck. From morning till evening, bad lucks were kept falling on me.

Going to be late for work, I walked faster than normal so that I won’t be that late. Who knows, out of nowhere, a bee suddenly appear right in front of me. I was so afraid that I’ll knock onto it, I quickly dock away.

PS: Just by a few centimeters I’d have bump onto it.

Then when doing my receipts, as you know, I need to stamp my company’s account number onto the cheques and bank-in slip. For TWICE, I’ve touched the ink! Yes, the ink got stained onto my fingers and it’s hard to wash away. Trust me.

Then this person called to ask for something (work stuff) and not that friendly. The tone was quite harsh. Do I owe you money or what? I don’t know. Haha~

See! All unhappy events just happen one by one. Omg! My mood was totally down down down. It was only after lunch when my mood got slightly better. Sigh~

What is the aim of my career?

Haha~ Y.K. was right! It's time for me to start thinking of my job; as in what I really want to do in the future. What is the job scope or task(s) I would like to do that could help me advance in my work.

I cannot stick to doing the same job for long time. Yes, maybe for now, but not for the future. As she said, the faster way to get pay increase is through promotion. However, how fast or how slow I want to get myself promoted will depend on me and nobody else.

Through taking up more responsibilities (of course must perform up to standard too, if not also no use), then can I gain my credits. The problem is, am I ready to take up my responsibilities yet? I'm not very sure.

Well, maybe I should try on new stuff so as to learn more. Basically I cannot ask them to give me work which is applicable to my study now as it's on Performance Management. Haha~ Now all I can remember from this module is... BUDGETING! Haha~ So, that's out of the question. Maybe next semester's topics I might be able to apply to my job? Haha~

My future goal in this line is to be a Financial Controller (FC). Haha~ For now that's my goal. Of course I must work step by step to achieve that. Thus, my first goal in this process to being a FC is first, to be promoted to Account Executive level from current Account Assistant position. Followed by being an Accountant. The becoming a FC. Haha~ LONG WAY TO GO MAN! Haha~

Actually I planned to go into audit field for few years after completion of ACCA to gain more experience. Experience as in, how the accounts are being done in different industries etc. In addition, also to get to know more people, so called, building up network. Haha~ It's through audit whereby you can get to know more people and try to build a good relationship with them. Haha~

After having said so much, what's my goal now? Haha~ Hmmm.. I'm also not very sure if I should ask for more type of tasks. If so, what are the tasks that I want to try out so that I can ask from them. Guess that's gonna spend me some time to do so thinking before I can have the answers for it as now I've got nothing on my mind now. And I really mean NOTHING. Haha~

on leave today~

Wahaha~ Finally can rest for a day. Yes! I'm on leave today! It's the leave in lieu of National Day, so of course must take. If not, this leave will be forfeited, not worth the while man. Haha~

Must be wondering where I'll be going during my leave right? Tell you, NOWHERE! Staying at home to babysit as long time never play with nephew already (weekdays I mean) or rather, keep him accompanied. I'm worried that I'll not be that close with him if he didn't stick with me that often. Haha~ Too dote on him already. Haha~

I guess my second nephew will not be that close to me as compared to my first nephew as I'll not have time to babysit him everyday. Unlike this first nephew of mine, I've been taking care (sort of) from the day he was born until now. Haha~ I'll try my best to keep both nephews accompanied often though. Yup~

Anyway, been feeling better already. Thanks for all of your concern. =D

Although the problem is not solved yet, but I've learnt to look on the more positive side, and also, not to think about it that often. Let nature takes its course, and everything will be solved by itself when time's up. I shouldn't worry, or rather, think that much as it won't get me anywhere also. Of course will still think, but I'll try to divert my attention and think of other things. Haha~

Oh ya, time really flies. My three months in this permanent job had passed and already had my confirmation this week. Wa~ Just blink your eyes and three months just fly away. Actually, I've been working in the company for four months already, if were to include my temporary period there. Haha~

All I can say is that, I enjoyed working there. For me, I'm actually looking out for the environment factor when looking for job; the people I'm working with or I should say, the people working in the same office. I'm not that concerned about money factor (for the time being I should say).

Why? Sounds so stupid like that. Got good pay I don't want? Haha~ Well, to me (for now), even if I got high pay but the colleagues are all not nice to work with, and everyday I have to drag myself to work and work unhappily somemore, no matter how high the pay is, I'll sure quit! I'm not happy down there, why should I force myself to work there?

Haha~ As I said, my this thinking might be for now only. As I grow, thinking might be different. I might work for high pay instead of working with nice colleagues, who knows? I don't disregard this possibility as people do change. Haha~

1 month's time to settle my problem

I know that Buddy will be damn pissed off at me if I were to say this again. She might ignore me, I don't know. I'll just say anyway as I've already gathered enough information which make me make up this mind.

I've decided to let go of the problem, giving myself another 1 more month to get things settled unless there is a miracle which can turn things positive.

I know it's gonna be hard, but I'm trying very hard now. Though I might not be able to settle it, at least I can push it to the back of my mind first. I believe I'll get it done over one fine day.

I'm now suffering in silence and no one knows about it, except for those who know my problem. Anyway, I think I can hide myself well in front of people as none of my colleague actually notice it while I'm working. Haha~ Good isn't it? I'm still smiling everyday, look happy everyday. Just that sometimes deep down inside of me, I'm now. It's just like a clown who seems happy physically, but when the mask is being removed, you'll then realise that he/she is putting on a sad face instead. Yup, that's me right now. Haha~

No matter what, I must have faith in myself that I'll settle this problem soon. I want to be a real happy person, not a clown.

Jia you!

May Buddha and God bless me~

when will I stop thinking about ***?

ARGH!!

When can I stop thinking about ***?!

*** just kept popping out in my mind, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing.

If positive thinking, I'm still alright with it. BUT! It's all the negative thoughts that I'm having, and making lots and lots of assumptions without clarifying these doubts I have in mind.

Well, maybe as Lay Hoon said, a step at a time. Plus Buddy who asked me to work hard myself, I can't expect that something will just fall from the sky and provide me the answers to my doubts.

Conclusion is that, I have to do my part by trying my best while at the same time, taking step by step and not rush into the matter. If not, I think I'll make it worse.

Anyway, thanks for being there for me, Lay Hoon and Buddy (at this point in time, these are the only two who know what I'm talking about), and of course not forgetting the Buddha and the God who are always there for me.

No matter what, I'll pull through this stage. *keeping my fingers crossed* I hope so.

Note: *** refers to the problem

part and parcel of life

As mentioned in the previous entry, am not feeling great recently. Been sorting out my thoughts these few days. Though I've decided on the actions that I might want to take, but it seems like I don't dare to go for it. Scared of the disappointment and also that the ending results might not be a good ending. It's holding my decisions back again. Dilemma state again.

Admit that I sometimes I just couldn't concentrate during work, and what my colleagues/in charge asked me to do, I didn't really get it into my mind as my mind was on something else. Luckily Ir. is a nice person, didn't get angry when I approach her again. I hope this situation will improve.

Maybe Buddy was right, when I got held back, the more I'll think and then the more I'm unhappy with as I'll have a lot of questions with no answers in my mind. Just go for it and settle once and for all. You'll get the answers you want and from there then can you make your final decision to get things done. Haha~

Well, maybe Fi. was right I guessed. A lot of things will happen throughout our life. It's just part and parcel of life. Experience it and learn from it. Though maybe it might be one of your unhappy moment in life. Not unhappy, but maybe a moment with doubts? Haha~ My opinion only.

Anyway, hope that the Buddha and the God will give me strength these few days, and provide me guidance on how I should settle this thing. If not, provide me the answer to my questions. Thank you Buddha and God (in advance).

the recent me

Feeling not that great recently. At a lost, in a mess. Thoughts were just running wild. Been asking myself so many questions without any answer at all. One question will lead to another question, and these questions seems never ending. The more I ask myself, the more I get depressed. Found myself couldn't really concentrate at work recently, feeling so vexed and disappointed with myself.

(Don't ask me what's the problem, thanks.)

Anyway, all I hope for is that time will "cure" me; meaning I'll get better as time goes by. I must believe in myself that I CAN DO IT! Haha~

I realised that whenever I'm feeling vexed, unhappy or what so ever (negative feelings), I'll travel on a long bus trip home after work. Instead of alighting at YCK, I'll alight at TPY and take a bus home. That's when I'll do some self-thinking while looking at the scenery. Sometimes it really helps to clear my thoughts while sometimes it just fails on me.

Actually, besides travelling on a long bus trip, I would like to go to a beach or with a friend, have a drink (don't have also can) and enjoy the breeze while chatting or confiding the problem(s) encountered and gain some advice from him/her. Well, didn't manage to execute this plan. Haha~ So now the bus is my "companion" when I need to figure out some thoughts.

I'm putting on a strong front, but actually I can be quite fragile at times. I may look happy and smiling all the times is because I don't want to show people the "troubled" me. Nonetheless, I'll always be back to normal soon. Thus it doesn't really matter that much. If I really cannot get over or I need help to regain back to normal, I'll surely approach someone (one of you) for help. Therefore, there's no need for you all to worry about me (for those who really cares about me, which I think is of a countable figure with one of my hands).

Sometimes I really wish that I'm not me; I'm somebody else. Not the stupid me, not the ugly me, not the fat me, not the shorty me. There's just too many parts of me which I don't like. Well, that's what made me who I am today. What do I like about myself then? Tough question! Maybe it's my eyes (including eyelashes) and that's all? Haha~ Think so.

Been so pessimistic these days so I kept telling people and also reminding myself to be optimistic. I can't! Whenever I tried to think of the positive side, all the negative thoughts will just flood my mind and wash away all the positives. I must try harder to psycho myself to look on the bright side of life.

Enough of all those. Anyway, the happier time I had these few days (starting from the day where negatives dominate me) is my lunch time. My colleague(s) keep me entertained and made my mind free of all troubles (for the time being though, but is better than nothing). She/They can be very funny, especially when lunching with the both of them. It can be a very interesting "event". Haha~

Oh ya, have the same question as Buddy; I wonder how many people are actually reading my blog. While, to look on the positive side, the fewer the better then I can blog secrets here. Haha~ Kidding. Negative side is, maybe I should shut this public blog down and create a private one whereby all entries will be secured with password. I think I'll rather shut this down than password it. Haha~